Ideas For Age Appropriate Ways To Tell Your Child When They Are A Teen

Research shows the earlier a child is told the story of how they were conceived, the more straightforward and stress-free this is for both the parents and the child. However, for different reasons, in many families a child or teen may not know that they were donor conceived. In this situation, it can really help if the parents have taken some time to prepare themselves well for this conversation.

Teen years are a time for questioning 'who am I' and also for seeking independence from parents. Finding out about their donor conception is something that will likely cause an intense reaction and so before telling it's important to think about:

• what telling means for the parent/s, including how they feel about their infertility (or the situation that led them to donor conception) and their decisions to use donor conception

• the developmental stage of the child and what's happening for them at the moment

Thinking about these things before parents tell allows them to be well prepared so that they can meet the needs of the child as they tell them about their donor conception, instead of being preoccupied with their own anxiety and fears.

Things for parents to think about before telling:

•  work on a 'script' that you use to tell them, or write a letter that the child could read with you there. 
• choose a time when the relationships within the family are reasonably good
• prepare an explanation of why you've decided to tell them now and not before. It could be helpful to talk it through with a trusted friend or counsellor
• make sure there is support available for yourself afterwards so you can debrief and manage any strong reactions of your own. If you think your child could use some outside support, maybe have some suggestions ready for that.
• timing- try to avoid exams or other significant times in the child's life. Don't make a time to 'tell them something imporant' (they might stress out that you are sick or similar), but choose a natural time when you would be together, such as having a meal or going for a walk. Talking in the car is probably not the best idea for this first conversation.
• use direct language and don't go into too much detail about the reasons why you couldn't conceive. Include language about how loved and wanted they were and are.
• keep it simple so that they can take it in and save additional information for other conversations
• acknowledge how hard this might be for them
• follow up with them and let them know  you are ready and willing to have extra conversations at any time

This information was modified utilising content from the Donor Conception Network resource ' Telling and Talking'.